Of Hyperventillating and Relief

At work the program or project is not going so well..... people issues never stop..... supervisor tells its a leadership failure..... I have been thinking the same, never seen such severe clashes within the team.
Today morning was another burst of the volcano inside me..... I just cant take people going defensive..... always talking problems. So much so that, my brain circuits started oscillating at the resonating frequency.
And it happened again, which always happens to me..... I tend to think of the energy source..... which is no longer mine..... technically I can't draw anything from it..... but I tried..... I could not stop myself..... and as always my need for instant gratification to fulfill my need for a relief - my need that someone tells me its OK to be angry - its OK to react badly sometimes - remained unfulfilled.... someone who could help me dissipate this sudden burst of rage.
I am OK now.... then the supervisor calls and I go blabbering about the people issues and leadership failure.... we will talk this afternoon.
Once again I made a resolution not to tap the energy source.... its not mine..... but I can't promise myself not to think of it at times!

Your Best Life Now.......

"Your Best Life Now" is title of the book written by Joel Osteen. Joel Osteen is a senior pastor of Lakewood Church in Texas, USA.

The first time I came across Joel Osteen, when I accidentally flipped to some TV channel during my stay in Jacksonville. As it happens, when you are terribly bored and surfing TV channels looking for nothing specific, and just take a pause while switching channels, I ended up watching Joel Osteen lecture or inspirational speech, if I may call it. Joel is a terrific speaker.

The first thing that struck me in that speech was his body language. I was hooked onto watching how he carries himself during the speech rather than the speech itself. The speech seemed yet another spiritual lecture from a pastor of a christian church.

Once I got used to Joel's personality, I started listening to the speech attentively. And to my amazement, I actually started finding sense in it. Then I made it a point to note the channel number, the date and time of the show, so that I don't miss watching the show and listening to Joel's messages.

Though Joel is a pastor, and a christian religious person, the messages he delivered were close to the real life. Those were not sermons or preaching from the bible, but the emotional turmoil one goes through in day to day life, and how one can overcome all the negatives by bringing about a willing and determined change in once thought process and actions.

I have been going through a bad phase for past 4 years. Well everyone around me sees me as a very brave and courageous woman, who is self made. Some think of me as a Tyrant actually !
But for even Mother Teresa could not escape the phase of self-doubt, I am just a little person. So my mind would be full of ifs-buts-woulda-coulda-shoulda kind of thoughts about my failed relationship. It only brought more and more bitterness.

Couple of days ago when I went to grocery store, I sighted the book by Joel, and bought it immediately. And I straight away flipped the pages to the chapter "Let go of the past", and there it was. I found all the answers to my questions. Suddenly all apprehensions disappeared. I uttered those words of forgiveness loud and clear, and in an instant it felt as if someone has thoroughly cleansed and rinsed my heart. Cleared the cobwebs of doubt from my mind for now I made a space in my mind's hard-disk for a "I Don't Understand It" file, which I believe God will take care of.

I am extremely thankful to Joel, and to God for conspiring this encounter, and for the revelation that - Forgiveness is a choice, but it is not an option. I have made a choice to forgive, and I seek Strength from you God, to stick to my resolutions.

Finally the prayer of Serenity, which is the only prayer that I believe in -
God give me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
God give me Courage to change the things I can
God give me the Wisdom to see the difference

Amen !