Of Hyperventillating and Relief

At work the program or project is not going so well..... people issues never stop..... supervisor tells its a leadership failure..... I have been thinking the same, never seen such severe clashes within the team.
Today morning was another burst of the volcano inside me..... I just cant take people going defensive..... always talking problems. So much so that, my brain circuits started oscillating at the resonating frequency.
And it happened again, which always happens to me..... I tend to think of the energy source..... which is no longer mine..... technically I can't draw anything from it..... but I tried..... I could not stop myself..... and as always my need for instant gratification to fulfill my need for a relief - my need that someone tells me its OK to be angry - its OK to react badly sometimes - remained unfulfilled.... someone who could help me dissipate this sudden burst of rage.
I am OK now.... then the supervisor calls and I go blabbering about the people issues and leadership failure.... we will talk this afternoon.
Once again I made a resolution not to tap the energy source.... its not mine..... but I can't promise myself not to think of it at times!

Your Best Life Now.......

"Your Best Life Now" is title of the book written by Joel Osteen. Joel Osteen is a senior pastor of Lakewood Church in Texas, USA.

The first time I came across Joel Osteen, when I accidentally flipped to some TV channel during my stay in Jacksonville. As it happens, when you are terribly bored and surfing TV channels looking for nothing specific, and just take a pause while switching channels, I ended up watching Joel Osteen lecture or inspirational speech, if I may call it. Joel is a terrific speaker.

The first thing that struck me in that speech was his body language. I was hooked onto watching how he carries himself during the speech rather than the speech itself. The speech seemed yet another spiritual lecture from a pastor of a christian church.

Once I got used to Joel's personality, I started listening to the speech attentively. And to my amazement, I actually started finding sense in it. Then I made it a point to note the channel number, the date and time of the show, so that I don't miss watching the show and listening to Joel's messages.

Though Joel is a pastor, and a christian religious person, the messages he delivered were close to the real life. Those were not sermons or preaching from the bible, but the emotional turmoil one goes through in day to day life, and how one can overcome all the negatives by bringing about a willing and determined change in once thought process and actions.

I have been going through a bad phase for past 4 years. Well everyone around me sees me as a very brave and courageous woman, who is self made. Some think of me as a Tyrant actually !
But for even Mother Teresa could not escape the phase of self-doubt, I am just a little person. So my mind would be full of ifs-buts-woulda-coulda-shoulda kind of thoughts about my failed relationship. It only brought more and more bitterness.

Couple of days ago when I went to grocery store, I sighted the book by Joel, and bought it immediately. And I straight away flipped the pages to the chapter "Let go of the past", and there it was. I found all the answers to my questions. Suddenly all apprehensions disappeared. I uttered those words of forgiveness loud and clear, and in an instant it felt as if someone has thoroughly cleansed and rinsed my heart. Cleared the cobwebs of doubt from my mind for now I made a space in my mind's hard-disk for a "I Don't Understand It" file, which I believe God will take care of.

I am extremely thankful to Joel, and to God for conspiring this encounter, and for the revelation that - Forgiveness is a choice, but it is not an option. I have made a choice to forgive, and I seek Strength from you God, to stick to my resolutions.

Finally the prayer of Serenity, which is the only prayer that I believe in -
God give me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
God give me Courage to change the things I can
God give me the Wisdom to see the difference

Amen !

Visit to The World of Coke !

Half a Circle….. Full a Circle….. and The World of Coke!!

Cocacola…. The word always reminds me of 4 year old cute little boy….. whom I regard as my son….. one evening he came to me with this riddle…. “Tai… guess this one…. Half a Circle Full a Circle Half a Circle A, Half a Circle Full a Circle LA”…. After raking my gray cells for some time…. I gave up…. And kiddo burst out laughing. He thought Tai is so much elder to me and goes to college…. But she does not know the answer to such a simple riddle…. He was thrilled that he could beat me in one more thing, another being the Computer Game of Tetris. After he had a good laugh he told me the answer…. COCACOLA !

Gosh! I felt so stupid…. So stupid that I cant see things differently! I can’t think creatively. I saw COCACOLA as just another word… the idea of seeing the letters of the word as shapes never struck me when he asked me the riddle!

The kiddo turned out to be one of the brightest kids I know, meritorious through-out the academics, soon going to be an engineer.

Coming back to what I actually want to narrate….
Last Sunday I visited the World of Coke in Atlanta – the birth place of Coke. This 121 years old company has been a trademark of creativity and real marketing and advertising genius!

It’s just a soda, that they started selling 121 years ago. More than a century and quarter, the company has reached to millions of people across the globe. The principles driving the whole company – uniform taste, universal availability and “I forget the 3rd U”, and last but not the least “U” – the people, the company says.

The World of Coke in Atlanta showcases the company’s 121 year old history, its products world-wide, its associations with global events such as Olympics and how the product touches the lives of millions of people across the world. The place also features a mini theatre wherein the Coke product ads from various countries are screened continuously. When we peeked into the theatre, we watched our very own Indian ad about “Fanta” featuring Rani Mukherjee! Felt like coke is everywhere, and so is India J

You will see a real life bottling plant – which is engineered to bottle 20 bottles per minute – unlike the company’s world-wide bottling plants that produce 1200 bottles per minute. A technician explained us how difficult it was to build a plant which was 60 times slower than the actual plant; it takes a hell lot of re-engineering of the whole assembly line. The manufacturing and process industries just amaze me! People with genius have created wonders! And we the spectators get a free coke bottle produced right of that plant.

All in all the tour of the World of Coke was a journey into the history of the company told by the way of creative exhibits and historical artifacts, depicted by way of creative genius of Americas best marketing brains.

I bought couple of souvenirs to showcase of on refrigerator, to remind of me places I visited world over. Left the place completely refreshed by the World of Coke J

Thanda Matlab Cocacola !

Yet another saturday..... with IMM :)

A friend called at 10:30 PM..... asking how was your day? The question got me wondering.... really how was my day today !!
It was another wonderful day with IMM.... I, Me and Myself....
IMM slept till 11:00 AM.... got up thinking today should be a all fruit day.... gotta eat fruits through-out the day.... but the stomach reminded that it dint get dinner last night..... ohh yes I said !
How about not being lazy and doing some cooking.... over a cup of bournvita.... IMM made some Indian style pasta recipe.... not that great.... but can get my fill for the day (not night) !!
Now what next..... TV is on and so is Computer..... books are lying around waiting to be read.... cloths are lying in a corner waiting to be washed.... and utensils are waiting to be cleaned for a week now !
That gets me going.... to start with cleaning of some utensils.... followed by cooking while yahoo chatting with cousin..... I wonder what he has been doing so far....
Watched TV - Anaconda... The Snake..... checking all my email boxes.... now what next... take bath..... ohh no.... too lazy to get off the couch..... so some more FreeCell card game on the computer..... no drive really to win.... and too many losses.... so I lost interest in the game too....
Then a call from an old pal..... missed the first one.... thought it must be him.... but could not get a clue for the cell showed "Private Number".... kept guessing and then he called again.... it is always a delight to talk to him..... had a good laugh at his casual comments on certain serious matters of life.... gosh.... haven't really had a good laugh in months together.... am I disconnected with myself.... have I been afraid to connect with myself... I thought to myself.
Well its the work that keeps me so busy.... gosh... I haven't had a talk with IMM.... but this stay is allowing me to be with myself.... have not met a single soul today..... am I isolating myself from the world?
Some more thinking by the couch potato that I had become.... could the drinking really cause problem to my femininity.... aha.... nothing doing.... how does it matter.... have fun !
IMM is worrying.... oh God... no exercise for over a month now... suddenly the slightly visible flab become more conspicuous.... I starting feeling those restricting my movements.... no way.... I must start a regular routine.... another resolution..... that goes away once I am in the bed.... its too difficult to get off and start the work out....
Ohh..... its evening already.... have to take bath.... and get out of this small choking room..... hey couch potato... get yourself a coffee.... oh yes.... a coffee ! The coffee gave a kick and set IMM in motion... quick bath..... after separating the cloths to be washed.... ohh God... when am I going to get this laundry done..... a resolution.... come what may I will do it today (tonight) !
Well.... got all dressed up..... another visit to the Mall... should I go or not.... ohh yes... I need to search that The Limited shop I have been looking for.... needed to shop some latest formal wear... so turned the car to the Mall instead of the Indian grocery store... ohh God... hope dont end up spending too much... another resolution - will just look for the shop and check out the stuff... purchase will be next month... once I get the salary !
Another casual drive on the quiet city roads.... what greenery besides the roads... feels like IMM is driving through the woods..... and Delilah gives the company on car radio ! I love her show.
So finally found The Limited shop.... they have good stuff in there... what to buy and what not to buy.... got a card done... upon learning about 10% discount... decided to buy some stuff.... blew about 300 bucks.... God.... IMM is extravagant.... too extravagant.... just 2 weeks in this place... already blew about a grand !
Went looking for shoes to match the dress I bought.... but was terribly hungry..... dint feel like eating at the food court... so stepped out of the mall and drove to the India grocery store... bought some stuff and came back home..... and there lies the laundry waiting to be done.... resolution reminded !
Come what may I will do it today..... and guess what.... finally I did it.... what an accomplishment after days of procrastination !
Couple of colleagues called.... to talk about tomorrow's plan.... tomorrow is going to be busy..... hope it does not turn out to be another gloomy Sunday towards the evening.... feeling lonely.... no IMM is not going to let me do that..... got some work to do.... before Monday starts....
Finally decided to write this blog..... another way of connecting with IMM.... staying in touch with IMM.... and guess what... I think its turning out to be pretty good..... the laundry is also done now !
The day was good.... thank you IMM.

Wind Beneath My Wings.......

Those were the days of frustration and hopelessness..... I had given up living..... had just resigned on everything on professional and personal front..... but was still feeling the same drive which personifies me.... people perceived me as a tyrant and driven person.... but someone.... saw my internal struggle.... he could feel how much I was struggling to match myself to my own expectations.... and the stress it was creating within me... for the gap between my expectations from myself and my ability to match it was widening day by day..... I was completely stressed out.....

That someone special struck the cord.... the most painful cord within me.... and challenged me.... confronted me..... He said - your delivery does not match your perception of your abilities !

This caught me unaware.... I never thought someone would be able to articulate my situation in such crystal clear manner..... I didn't dislike the person.... rather I felt challenged.... and felt an immense respect for him....

Over.... next 1.5 years since we met..... he mentored me.... nurtured my personality towards objectivity and drive... to bring out the best in me.... We have had immense number of discussions.... in the corridors.... over the coffee machine..... in his office.... on the way home in his car....

An excellent conversationalist that he is.... and his tremendous ability to articulate the thoughts with right words... and focus the the real issue.... inspired me and kept that light within me glowing brighter as we interacted more and more.....

Thanks you my dear Mentor.... you are my inspiration for life..... I have a way to go.... reach the new heights... and you are the Wind Beneath My Wings!

Just Someone To Talk To

I want to tell you stories
All my merries and worries
Talk to you for hours
Till the end of the universe

My weaknesses and stregths
Guilt and repentence
Happy moments and sad ones
My heart is filled with tonnes

Thats all I want from you
To keep talking all through
A companion for life
Just Someone to talk to